I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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