Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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