you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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