remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
