Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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