that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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