Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Dignity is for republicans.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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