you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
