I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
