he wants to bone in the snuggie
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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