My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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