i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
