Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
