Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
