My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
