ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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