this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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