I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
