I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
