My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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