I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
