p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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