I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
