Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
