That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
