im about as happy as oj after his trial
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
