I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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