i just had sex bonerless
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
