3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
