I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
