Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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