but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
