that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
