Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Randomize
