How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
