dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
