my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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