Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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