Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
whose parrot is this?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
