That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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