Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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