im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
