Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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