i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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