I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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