I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
