The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
