You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
