Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
