That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
