We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
